


Peanuts and Witchcraft

by thegodofcats1957



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Magic, Magical bureau agents and some human Cops AU, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 19:09:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19874620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegodofcats1957/pseuds/thegodofcats1957
Summary: Follow the misadventures in life, work, and love of the magical agents of Japan’s Bureau of Magic Investigation (And the human hotties from the Tokyo Drug Enforcement Agency.)





	Peanuts and Witchcraft

**Author's Note:**

> For your reference, Junior Agent. Good luck!
> 
> Tokyo Metropolitan Office - Bureau of Magic Investigation's (BMI) Organisational Hierarchy 
> 
> Superintendent General - Ukai Ikkei  
> → (under the Superintendent’s direct command) The Secretariat  
> Director General - Nekomata Yasufumi  
> Deputy Director General - Washijou Tanji  
> Chief Inspector (Captain; in charge of a department) - Akaashi, Ushijima, Kiyoko  
> Inspector (Chief; in charge of a division)  
> Field Supervisor (Sergeant)  
> Senior Agents  
> Junior Agents

“We’re partnering up with the Drug Enforcement Agency.”

A hush envelopes the meeting room. 

Inspector Sugawara Koushi, commander of the Forbidden Spells and Substances Division of the Crimes Department, continues. “The  _ Tokyo _ Drug Enforcement Agency.” 

Complaints erupt all over the room.

“Aw, man!”

“What about the Germans--?”

Captain Sugawara slams his hand down on the desk. “Alright, alright. Listen. I know I promised you the Germans--”

_ “Yeah, you did!” _

“--but I don’t make the rules around here, Haiba, so shut up.” 

Junior Agent Haiba Lev pouts and sits down. Suga continues, “The Superintendent told me, and I quote, ‘To stop asking for the Germans and begin kissing up to Japan’s drug agency’. So there you have it. For the next six months, we’ll be conducting joint operations and exercises with the Humans.” 

Sergeant Oikawa Tooru stands up beside Suga and points to the projector screen, flashing the Tokyo Drug Enforcement Agency’s, as they were loathe to admit, impressive stats. “Don’t underestimate them. They’ve got a great track record and other countries kiss their asses all the time to ask for joint training programs. We have to show that we’re just as, if not more, capable. This isn’t just an integration scheme.”

Both officers’ faces turn grave. Once more, the meeting room’s occupants fall silent. 

Oikawa flashes the next slide. 

The 2020-2021 budget proposal.

“This is war.” 

Groans, catcalls, and hoots of excitement burst. Suga raises his hands, calling for attention. “I know. The situation is grave. This isn’t just about normalization or Germans anymore. It’s our pride on the line, agents.”

Oikawa declares, “We will not let the Parks Department monopolize taxpayers’ money any longer. We will  _ not _ go through the same humiliation,”

(“Is he talking about the Budget Coup d’etat of 2017?”

“Yes.”)

“So if you’ve got any sense of pride as an agent of this division, I want you to ram those drug busts and success rates down their throats so deep, they’ll fucking choke on it. By the time these six months are over, I want these guys limping and unable to walk out of this office building. We’ll make the TDEA our bitches.”

A beat.

Ushijima Wakatoshi speaks up. “We are the  _ Community _ Department, not the ‘Parks’ De--”

“You shut the fuck up, Ushijima!”

Oikawa Tooru rips off the projector. Officers scramble to restrain Oikawa. 

“I am your superior. Call me captain.”

_ “Fuck you!” _

Off to the side, Junior Agent Hinata Shoyou leans close to Senior Agent Kozume Kenma. He asks, “Do Inter-department Conferences always end up like this?” 

Kenma, without looking up from his game, replies, “Better get used to it.”

Amidst all the commotion, Inspector Tendou Satori takes the stand. “And now,” he chirps, “for recruitment updates.”

* * *

The office is in a bustle; a disturbing sight on a Monday morning. 

Kozume Kenma scrubs his eyes to make sure what he’s seeing is real. Are they actually working? Is Shoyou actually operating the copier? Is Tanaka actually organizing his files? Is Ennoshita…  _ typing _ ? 

A snap in his ears. 

“Good morning, Agent Ken-chan. You’re late.” 

Kenma looks back to be greeted by the sight of his well-dressed, albeit obnoxious, sergeant. He deadpans, “Nobody ever works on Mondays, Tooru.” 

“Call me sergeant, for fuck’s sake.”

Tooru walks toward the door and motions for him to follow. Kenma obliges. As they walked down the corridor, Kenma couldn’t help noticing how his colleagues were rushing around and getting busy. On a Monday morning. 

Everybody knows the age-old tradition: no one in the Tokyo Metropolitan Bureau of Magic Investigation does any real work on Monday. It’s a regular, unofficial work holiday entrenched in the history of their organization, celebrated by their founders and forebearers for almost half a century. Even the Big Bosses honored it by allowing everyone, on the down low, to drink during office hours. Limited to three  _ sake _ bottles per division.

Just as he’s thinking this, Sgt. Matsukawa Issei from the General Affairs division halts by Tooru’s side. Kenma is disturbed by the sight of the lackadaisical agent dressed in a sharp, formal suit. 

The General Affairs Division is The  _ Dude _ of the bureau. Seeing one of them in a suit-- Kenma was starting to doubt his reality.

“Oikawa,” Sgt. Matsukawa pants, “the license templates will be done in thirty. We’ll make it, right?” He holds out a stack of cards.

Oikawa gives them a once-over. “Looking good, Mattsun. Still got plenty of time to tidy up the office.” 

Matsukawa grimaces. “Ah, shit. Almost forgot. Thanks bro!”

He hurries past them. Kenma gives Tooru a look. “What the fuck is happening?” 

Tooru clasps his subordinate’s shoulders. “Agent Kozume, were you so smashed last night that you don’t remember what today is?” 

Kenma frowns. “I drank only 6 bottles of Daishou’s Cobraholics. I wasn’t that smashed.”

Oikawa sighs. “The human drug guys?” 

Kenma furrows his forehead. 

Oikawa raises his eyebrows. “Seriously?”

“Tooru, people are working on a Monday. Everything I’ve believed is being ripped apart right before my eyes.” 

The sergeant rolls his eyes. He picks up the pace. Kenma jogs to catch up. Tooru talks over his shoulder. “It’s showtime, agent. The humans from Tokyo’s Drug Enforcement Agency are officially starting work with us today. Everybody’s getting dressed to impress.” 

Kenma remembers last week’s Inter-department Conference (and the brawl that broke out between Parks and Crimes), and he begins to have some semblance of clarity. “Oh.” 

“Yes, Ken-chan. Oh. Now, I need your help to haul this antique statue gifted to our department on our founding year out to the hallway so that the drug cops will be impressed by our culture.” 

“...We looted this from a  _ bakeneko  _ crack den.”

Oikawa begins to lift the statue by the pedestal. He snaps, “It’s free real estate, Kozume, now hold the fucking statue.”

* * *

Inspector Sugawara Koushi is a fairly confident man, but as he watches the clock tick the minutes down to the guests’ arrival, he finds his palms sweaty and knees weak. He goes over all the reports and practises his welcome speech once more in his head. He’s halfway through the fifth paragraph--

“Inspector Suga, would you like some water?” 

Hinata Shoyou observed his superior, concerned at how clammy and red Suga looked. It also didn’t help that for the past ten minutes, Suga had been staring at the clock while mumbling. Hinata had to wonder if the TDEA was really as great as his seniors have been hyping them up to be. 

Suga waves him off. “Thank you, Hinata, but I’m fine! I am! I’m not, you know, it’s hip!” 

He does his jazz hands. 

“Sir, I respect you, but please don’t ever say that again.” 

Off to the side, Ennoshita breaks out in giggles. Behind him, Tooru snickers. Suga grits his teeth. “Wow, sure, the most important day of our careers and I get all this hate--!”

A swift kick to his shin cuts him off and he yelps. “Oikawa, that fucking hurt--”

“I’m Sawamura Daichi, Commander of the First Division of the Tokyo Drug Enforcement Agency! We are honored to work with you, sir! Atten-tion!” 

Behind him, an impressive line-up of muscular, intimidating (and attractive) officers snapped to attention and salute. In absolute sync.

The agents of the Forbidden Spells and Substances Division exchange glances.

Sawa-- _ Commander _ Sawamura Daichi keeps his eyes peeled on Suga, and Suga is fucking lost in his big, brown eyes. His welcome speech disintegrates into mushy nothingness. He barely manages to squeak, “Let’s have that tour, shall we?” 

Sugawara Koushi turns on his heel and scurries away. 

Kozume Kenma massages his temples and says, “Officers, at ease.” 

They follow, and the stern expression melts off the commander’s face and into a smile. But his forehead is wrinkled in confusion. “Did I make a mistake? Are you the inspec--”

“No, Sugawara Koushi is the inspector.”

“Then why did he--” 

“On to the tour.” 

Kenma walks away. Daichi exchanges looks with his squad. One of them rushes up to him and hisses, “I told you they were a bunch of weirdos!” 

Sawamura sighs. “I thought they’d be normal enough for a salute.”

* * *

“Suga, you fucking grandpa--”

“Oikawa!” 

Suga pins him to the wall by his shoulders. Tooru is bewildered. “Suga, you’re not my type.”

“No! Sawamura Daichi is  _ my _ type! How do you expect a man to react when someone with those eyes and biceps and thighs salutes you? How?”

Tooru pushes Suga off him and glares. “Koushi, you are *** years old--”

“Do not! Say my age! And Tooru, don’t tell me you don’t get it because you do! You should!” 

“ _ I _ should? People fawn over me, not the other way around! And stop with the spell that mutes us every time we say you’re ***-- Hey!”

Suga buries his face in his hands. “These damn hot cops!”

* * *

“To your left,” Ennoshita points, “is the Pa--I mean, the Community Department. Capt. Ushijima is doing his rounds in the city at the moment, so you’ll have to greet him later.” 

“They’re also the biggest dicks in this building, so on the other hand, you don’t have to if you don’t want to be cursed.” 

The group stares at Oikawa. “What?”

“What he means,” Suga grits out as he pinched Tooru’s side, “is that we have a friendly rivalry going on, but we all get along enough to joke around.” 

Kenma whispers, “Nice save.” 

A sudden whisper in his ear made him jump. “Are you guys really this wack, or is it because it’s the first day?” 

Kenma backs away and looks at the douchebag. Anyone who invades his personal space is a douchebag. “Excuse me?”

The guy, tall, lean, and bed hair (how unsightly, Kenma thinks), straightens up and grins. “Kuroo Tetsurou, second-in-command.” 

He holds out his hand. 

Kenma looks at the hand in front of him. Kuroo clears his throat. 

Reluctantly, Kenma responds, “Kozume Kenma. Senior Agent.” 

“...Are you really not going to shake my hand?” 

Kenma blinks. “...No. No, thank you.” 

“To your right,” Ennoshita declares, “is an antique statue bestowed to us by the Emperor on our founding year.” 

Kuroo quirks an eyebrow. “He’s bullshitting, isn’t he?”

Kenma shrugs. “It’s free real estate.”

* * *

“And you’re telling me this, why?” 

Capt. Akaashi Keiji of the Security Department scribbles on his forms. Sugawara, resolute, pushes ahead. “Akaashi, for old times’ sake. C’mon.” 

Akaashi doesn’t bother looking up. “Bring this up with the Deputy. You know captains don’t have the authority to transfer employees, right?” 

“Akaashi! Of course I know that! I’m just saying, put in a good word! Washijou likes you!” 

His eye twitches. But he resumes writing. “The Deputy Director does not like anyone. He merely tolerates. He does not like.”

Sugawara groans. “Ugh, fine, then he tolerates you the most! Now will you please--!”

“Getting feisty with a superior now, are we?” 

“Akaashi-sama, please!” 

Akaashi exhales. He puts his pen down and leans forward, propping his elbows on the desk. “Suga, you’re acting like a high school girl. And I went to high school with you, so I should know.” 

Suga plants his palms on the desk. “Akaashi, my career is on the line here!”

“You know we don’t have policies against dating co-workers, right?”

“I know, but--wait, how’d you know that’s my issue?!” 

Akaashi smirks. “First of all, bold of you to assume you’d ever have the guts to actually flirt with the guy.” 

Suga blushes, indignant. “I’ll show you--! No, wait--”

“--And do you even have to ask why I know? We have the  _ Tokyo Radio Tower _ .”

* * *

The General Affairs Division begins stocking up on markers, highlighters, pencils, erasers, graphing paper, and calculators in preparation for organizing and monitoring the betting pool. Hanamaki Takahiro, Inspector of the division, rechecks the inventory. They need more graphing paper. “Aone-kun, be a lamb and order more graphing paper from Mifurin.” 

Junior Agent Aone Takanobu picks up the phone and starts dialing. 

Hanamaki nods in satisfaction. They may be “The Dudes” of the bureau, but he had damn good juniors. 

Just then, a sheaf of papers smack him upside the head. 

“Makki, I got new license applications for you to review.” 

“Matsukawa, I will demote you.” 

The man in address raises his hands in surrender. “Me being sergeant was all your idea, bro.” 

“...Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry bro. I love you, man.” 

“Love you too, dude--”

“Break it up before I fucking vomit, geez. Save that for the bedroom. Are we running a betting pool or what?” 

Senior Agent Miya Osamu drops a huge box of calculators at their feet. Matsukawa and Hanamaki take in the size. Matsukawa whistles. “Damn, son. That’s a shit ton of calculators.” 

Sitting at his desk, Osamu puts on his glasses, getting ready to crunch numbers. “It’s the first we’ve had in a while, and there are already a flood of bet slips and forecast inquiries coming in. We need all the accounting power.” 

Hanamaki hums. “Aone, how’s that graphing paper?”

He covers the phone’s receiver and asks, “They’re asking if you’d like to take an extra stack. It’s on them, they say.” 

Hanamaki points at him. “Take it. If what ‘Samu is saying is true--”

“The Director General just submitted a bet via email, what the fuck.” 

The other members of the division rush to crowd before Osamu’s computer; disbelieving. 

But the subject line and the sender are unmistakable. 

Hanamaki exclaims, “Holy shit. It’s real!” 

In awe, Osamu comments, “Director Nekomata hasn’t participated in over thirty years because he’s the ‘Legendary Gambit’. He’s won so much that he’s never played again because it’s all too easy, he said.” 

Matsukawa gasps, “Then that means--!”

“This is real shit, dudes.” 

They continue to stare at the screen in an odd mix of fascination and terror. Osamu takes a screencap for the History Archives. 

“Sorry to interrupt, but I have Superintendent General Ukai requesting a forecast analysis?” 

Their heads whip in Aone’s direction. Hanamaki, incredulous, “Are you fucking serious?” 

“I do not know how to joke. Therefore, I am always serious.” 

“Aone, no back talk.” 

“Yes, sir.”

Hanamaki heads to the whiteboard. “Everyone!”

With a flourish, he flips the whiteboard to reveal an intricate marker-grid with color-coded labels and legends. “Once more, it is our pride and honor to be the arbiters of this bureau’s gambling ring!” 

“Killin’ it, babe!”

“I fuckin’ love you, Hana!” 

“Yeah!”

Inspector Hanamaki Takahiro, the proud head of the General Affairs Division of the Community Department, slams his hand on the board. “I never thought I’d utter these words again, but we have a jackpot battle here, maggots!” 

Hoots, whistles, and feet stomping fill the room. 

“We are now officially opening  _ The Jackpot All-In Betting Battle of 2019: When will Sugawara Koushi tap Sawamura Daichi _ ! Alternatively, when will Suga get the D!” 

Manly screams and fists thump on the desks and their chests. 

“I never thought we’d get another event like the Budget Coup d’etat again so soon. Guess we’re lucky.” Matsukawa leans his head on his husband’s shoulder. 

Hanamaki wraps an arm around his waist, surveying the scene as a proud father does. “I thought we’d be stuck with real work because of the TDEA. They were a blessing in disguise.” 

“...The licenses?” 

“Oh yeah, sorry honeydude. Let’s discuss it in my office.” 

Matsukawa laughs. “I was joking, but okay bossman.”

Hanamaki stops in his tracks. With utmost gravity, he tells him, “Issei, you are the Dude of my life, but licenses are not a joke. We do not joke about the licenses.” 

Matsukawa waits for the punchline.

There is no punchline. 

“R-right on, man. License reviews, here we come!” 

Hanamaki grins, placated. 

The moment the door to his office closes, Sugawara Koushi explodes next door.

* * *

“Oikawa! What the hell--!”

“Well, well, well, how nice of you to join us,  _ Inspector. _ ”

Suga freezes. 

Oikawa is standing up front, holding a laser pointer beside a projector screen that displayed,  _ ‘The Snaketongue Potion Case’ _ . Employees, agents and TDEA alike, are seated in folding chairs, presumably engaged in the case briefing until his humiliating existence decided to intrude upon them. Sugawara wonders about finally taking that leave he’d been accumulating. Preferably soon, and for an infinite number of weeks. “I-I apologize. Carry on.” 

He stands at the back. Telepathically, Suga screams at his demon spawn of a sergeant.  _ Oikawa Tooru, I am going to render you mute forever.  _

Tooru smirks in his direction.  _ You can try, but Tokyo Radio Tower will always be live. _

_ I can’t believe you sent a mass email and a personal voicemail to each of the bosses five minutes after I told you.  _

_ The office has been thirsting for something to gamble on, Suga. I had to do it. _

_ These are my feelings! _

“I believe I shouldn’t be hogging the spotlight here, am I right? Come on down, Inspector! Tell it like it is!” 

The moment the attention shifts to him, Suga forces a smile. He drags himself to the front. Taking his place next to Oikawa, he bites out, “I will end your entire career.” 

Suga realizes his voice just echoed. 

He glances down to see Oikawa’s hand holding a microphone. 

_ “Oooohhh!” _

_ “Damn, Suga!”  _

Oikawa cackles and cuffs Suga. “Nothing like some good ole’ testosterone to get the ball rolling, right Chief?” 

“...Yep. Ya big goof!” 

Suga punches him in the side. Tooru doubles over. A genuine smile graces the inspector’s lips. “Let’s pick up where we left off.”

* * *

Kenma is just about ready to die from secondhand embarrassment, and it’s not even past one yet. When this briefing is over, he thinks, I’ll call Nishinoya-san to ask about that teaching position--

“You guys are a blast,” Kuroo Tetsurou chuckles. 

Kenma grimaces. “...I don’t work here.” 

“Kinda too late to lie, don’t you think?” 

Kenma rolls his eyes. He tries to pay attention to the presentation. It’s quiet for a few minutes, but with Kuroo next to him, it doesn’t last. 

“Snaketongue, huh? I’ve always heard about magical drugs, but this is the first time I’ll actually be busting one. Any tips?” 

Kenma mumbles, “Ask Tooru.” 

Kuroo does a lazy grin. “But I’m asking you.” 

Kenma gives him the stink-eye. Kuroo snorts. “What are you, a grade schooler?” 

He spares Kuroo a glance, grumbling under his breath, “Annoying.” 

“Hey! I’m technically your junior right now. I’m just trying to be a good one.” 

“Then shut up.” Kenma huffs. 

“You act more like a grumpy uncle than Sawamura does. And he’s pretty grumpy.” 

Kenma takes out his DS and resolves to clear the last stage he stopped at.

“Hey, is it really alright to play games while they’re discussing the case--”

Kenma’s hands tighten on the console. His eyes take on their beastly form, and he pierces Kuroo with a glare. 

“Kuroo,” 

“...Yes?”

“Shut the fuck up.” Kenma proceeds to smash the buttons on the device. 

Kuroo doesn’t talk for the remainder of the briefing. 

(Sawamura, who’s been sitting right behind them all this time, gains a whole new level of respect for Senior Agent Kozume. A man among men. An apex predator. One who wields power and commands respect. Sawamura nods to himself, humbled by the man’s authority and skills. He could stand to learn a thing or two.

After all, it is no easy feat to shut up Kuroo Tetsurou.)

* * *

The moment the division office clears out, Suga yells, “You demon!” 

Oikawa gasps, “I’ll have you know we come from a long line of ritualists.” 

Suga snaps, “I know! And I don’t care! I poured my heart out to you!” 

“Yeah, you did.”

“Then why--”

“Because, Sugababe, Kou-chan, my snow white magical boy; I thought you needed a little push. And nothing is more proper for a little push than being the subject of a major betting pool with high risks and rewards at stake.” 

Horrified, Suga claims, “It can’t be that big of a--”

“Director Nekomata placed a bet.” 

Suga’s eyes widen. “ _ The Legendary Gambit _ ?” 

Oikawa smiles and wags a finger. “You underestimate how much this office loves you.” 

He sniffs. “I’m starting to doubt, actually.” 

With a fondness usually reserved for babies, Oikawa squishes Suga’s cheeks. “To quote the iconic queen Tyra Banks, everyone’s rooting for you, Suga. It’s been like a century since you last got laid. Or was happy. This is the first time in a long while we’ve seen someone worthy enough to make you swoon at the sight of their brown eyes. And their muscles.” 

Suga avoids eye contact. 

“Chief, your skin is so pale I can see you blush all the way down to your neck.” 

“Get off me!” 

Oikawa laughs. “So, no hard feelings?” 

Suga rolls his eyes. “Yeah, whatever. But this is just some stupid crush. I can’t believe you’re all going gaga like this is the new Julia Roberts and Richard Gere romcom.” 

“I do love myself some  _ Pretty Woman _ , but trust us, Suga.” 

Suga sees the look on Oikawa’s face and can’t bring himself to. 

“We  _ will _ make this better than Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. Prepare yourself.” 

Oikawa flashes his irritating Cheshire grin and peace sign, then shoots finger guns at him as he walks backwards to the door. 

Suga gives him the finger. “I hope you like bookkeeping, asshole because you’ll be doing it for the next two months!”

* * *

Later that day, in the locker room, Kuroo calls, “Sawamura.” 

Toweling his hair, Sawamura answers, “Yeah?” 

“I got slightly hard when Agent Kozume told me to shut the fuck up. I think I’m in love.” 

“You kinky son of a bitch.”

“I’m going to marry him.” 

Sawamura balls up the towel and throws it at Kuroo’s head. 

**Author's Note:**

> References:
> 
> 1\. The Big Lebowski “The Dude” - http://mentalfloss.com/article/61708/21-things-you-might-not-know-about-big-lebowski --one look at the picture explains everything  
> 2\. Bakeneko - Japanese supernatural cat spirits  
> 3\. Pretty Woman is a Hollywood romcom film starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere.  
> 4\. Mifurin is my shitty reference to the fictional company Dunder-Mifflin in “The Office”.  
> 5\. Tyra Banks "rooting for you" - https://youtu.be/fIzVCwhHcWc


End file.
